My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
