I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize