Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
