He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize