you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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