I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Randomize
