can we get nightvision for the apartment?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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