It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize