He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
