we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
