Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
