eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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