I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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