watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I don't think brook has ever known best
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
