Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
