Screwed.edu
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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