omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize