so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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