Jerry, you need to find god
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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