Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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