I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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