Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
