I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
