I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
