"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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