omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
