I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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