so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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