I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
