the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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