Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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