So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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