did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
