I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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