Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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