My sheets look like a crime scene.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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