I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize