If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
someone owes me an orgasm
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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