Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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