At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
