i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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