yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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