I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
