So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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