i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
