The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
