GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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