All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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