I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
