I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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