mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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