your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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