the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
