Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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