I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize