Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
