U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize