every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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