I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
