I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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