I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
