I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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