she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
