I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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