I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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